First, Become Ashes includes graphic sexual content and depictions of physical and emotional abuse, often without consent. Be mindful of content warnings and triggers before going in.
K.M. Szpara blurs the line between myth and reality in First, Become Ashes, a trauma-fueled, introspective novel that toes the line of consent while tackling cult mentality, abuse, and belonging.
For over twenty-five years, the Fellowship of the Anointed lived on a compound in an abandoned park in Druid Hill, Maryland. Run by a masochistic woman named Nova, members of the Fellowship were split into two categories: those who could do magic (Anointed), and those who could not (Fellows). Strict rules and regulations governed life, blurring the line of consent in the name of magic and order. Family structures were dismantled in the name of community, Fellows meant to serve Anointed under the watchful eyes of Nova, ruthless and determined to establish one truth: magic is real, and it must be used to undermine the FOEs (Forces of Evil) that rule the outside world, corrupted by technology and turned into living monsters.
With one goal in mind, all children born into the Fellowship were sorted at birth, the Anointed groomed under Nova’s monstrous care. Magic is born from physical pain, as we come to learn through the unflinching memories of Medowlark and Kane, two of the novel’s primary narrators. While Lark is a devout believer in the Fellowship, unreliable and determined, Kane is a questioning non-believer that serves a primary role in dismantling the Fellowship, abandoning the ritual “quest” to expose the physical, mental, and emotional abuse inflicted upon members of the Fellowship in pursuit of purity and “magic.” Though Kane’s presence pales in comparison to Lark’s on the basis of quantity, his chapters, told primarily in flashbacks and testimonies, offer a glimpse into the raw, unaltered truth behind “magic,” which is generated through manipulation of trust, emotion and unwavering faith.
The idea of belief becomes a buoy in First, Become Ashes, the Anointed put through intense acts of sadomasochism at the hands of those closest to them: their appointed life partner (Lark, in Kane’s case) – and Nova. With consent questionable – and even outright denied – depending on the partner in question, Szpara examines unflinching truths about cult mentality, brainwashing, and abuse, offering a raw glimpse into the messy reality that is living through – and overcoming – trauma. In that regard, First, Become Ashes is not for everyone, as Szpara explores physical abuse, emotional manipulation, and sexual assault, including rape, with unwavering and explicit detail. The effect is immediate and profound, generating sympathy for the characters in the journey while allowing you to understand their actions and responses in the heat of the moment – a fact that is especially true for Lark, who believes in magic – in Nova – so much, that you can’t help but question the reality of its existence.
While First, Become Ashes focuses on the Fellowship of the Anointed, very little of the narrative is dedicated to the cult itself. We learn little of Nova’s choices, intentions, or the reasoning behind rankings, magic, or the quarter century quest required of every Anointed, but the lack of concrete background does not feel entirely necessary, as Szpara is more interested in the repercussions of the cult’s fallout. Lark may be a somewhat unreliable narrator, but the plot hinges on his development, which is understandably slow in nature. While Kane was prone to questioning Nova’s decisions at every turn, Lark blindly followed in her footsteps as a “chosen one” of sorts, devoting everything to the cause – to magic. Indoctrinated to believe that monsters walk the earth in grotesque skins to pass as human, Lark represents the harsh reality that is cult mentality. When you live your entire life being told that magic is real, that it requires pain, and that it is the only way to keep your community safe, it becomes a simple truth. That truth, shown in Lark’s unwavering devotion, his confidence in his ability to perform spells, makes magic plausible in a contemporary setting, thereby blurring the boundary between right and wrong, myth and reality. The illusion doesn’t waver until he is given autonomy, torn from everything he thought he knew by a well-intentioned loved one in Kane, despite his suspicion that the man may be “corrupted” himself.
It is with this realization that First, Becomes Ashes moves forward, propelled by Lark’s own quest, which begins as an excavation in Nova’s honor and turns into an unforgettable road trip filled with magic, wonder, and self-realization. Troubled, brainwashed and deeply flawed, Lark’s character development is slow moving, his opinions shifting as he experiences reality and becomes acquainted with the modern world. While his unwavering devotion to magic and its source (intense, sadomasochistic exchanges resulting in incredible pain) contributes to his status as an unreliable narrator, it also suspends reality in the reader, who questions the existence of magic as it is viewed from different POVs – with emotions ranging from wonder to jealousy, hatred to disbelief in the face of unexplainable acts of will, force, healing and strength.
Belief in magic is heightened by Calvin’s presence, who, alongside Lark, makes up the bulk of the narrative, although from a very different perspective. Following the quick dissolution of the Fellowship that opens the narrative, Lark launches into his quest early in order to save Kane. Unafraid to take down anyone who stands in his way with a combination of magic and self-defense, Lark stumbles into Calvin in a crowded convention line. Quick to believe – in Lark, in magic, and in the importance of the quest – Calvin, in full cosplay, shields Lark from view and offers him whatever he needs. His determination and acceptance, despite a multitude of questions, show not just a strong emphatic side, but reveal Calvin to be a dreamer through and through. While he may be a relatively successful cosplayer, he is lonely and unsure of his place in the world. He longs to be Lark, if only for the otherworldly escape that the former Anointed represents – magic, fantasy, another world for the taking that offers acceptance and warmth – at least so far as gender identity, sexuality and fandom are concerned.
Connected by fate – and a quest – Calvin and Lark journey through Baltimore and beyond, where the line between reality and fiction continues to blur with the repeated use of magic. Calvin witnesses a healing ritual firsthand, explores the abandoned compound of the Fellowship, and even partakes in a “recharging” session – all sacred acts in Lark’s mind –that help to reveal the truth while simultaneously drawing attention toward the possibility of fantasy. Walls are built up and broken down by a multitude of real-world dangers: explosions and shootouts, abandoned cabins and forgotten cars coloring the impromptu road trip of a lifetime – one that is full of trauma and healing in equal measure.
While Szpara’s unwavering attention to graphic abuse is harrowing in scope (and may be unreadable for some), he sheds light on real world issues beyond complicated and messy relationship dynamics, delving into the reality that is cult mentality. While there is no doubt that the Fellowship of the Anointed is mentally, physically and emotionally manipulative, Szpara takes time to show why – and how – it gained a following. Despite the harrowing, gritty details that build up Nova’s background, the Fellowship was a safe haven, extending invitations to all who were in need, no questions asked. Originally started as a community shelter project, the Fellowship offered food security, companionship, and free reign of expression, normalizing gender identity through an emphasis on introducing, using, and accepting preferred names and pronouns. While that in no way justifies Nova – or the members aware of the abuse within – it goes to show how and why cults are attractive. Even if you can’t personally connect to Lark’s journey, Szpara does a wonderful job detailing his experiences (often times, by including outside POVs and facts), thereby offering a full and complete arc for Lark’s character as he learns to accept and understand his past, present and future.
Though the journey leaves many questions on the Fellowship and its investigation, First, Become Ashes is nothing short of devastating. Brutally graphic, yet astounding in emotional scope, Szpara sets the reader on edge in the worst way possible, haunted by Lark’s past, present and future, inviting them to recognize the messy reality that is trauma and healing. While First, Become Ashes (and its predecessor, Docile) are certainly not for everyone, they inspire hope, self-discovery, and healing by working through past and present traumas without sugarcoating the realities of the characters.
Unabashed in scope or execution, Szpara writes incredibly resilient, flawed characters in devastatingly messy real-world situations and First, Become Ashes is no exception. Despite the harrowing topics within, First, Become Ashes encourages the reader to find and accept themselves, while simultaneously promoting thought on faith, magic, and belief. While magic may not come from an extreme, unhealthy relationship to sadomasochism, who is to say that it doesn’t exist at all?
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